January 30, 2004


Last night in Continuum class, Mary Abrams, who had recently been present at a birth, and also at the side of someone dying, talked about the process of dying and being born as similar. This I have heard often. When I asked her about how she participated in this, she said by being silently present, and by being a support through touch and breath and that by being there, holding the space gives validation to their felt sense of their own processes. I think that this last is the most important because so much in our culture does not allow us our own experience, on the contrary it urges us to disassociate from our bodies.

Obviously, neither process is easy, but awesome in the true sense of the word, as what greater moments could there be than our entry and departure into this world? And we all have our unique ways of doing it.

Posted by Barbara at 03:46 PM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2004

Back Up/Positive Thinking

I have rebuilt this journal myself (she said proudly) and as you can see it’s almost all back up, except for the comments, which I’ll get to eventually. I thought about starting from scratch and leaving the archives in the dusty drawer of the computer, but since I’ve had a positive response and because it’s a way for me to participate in my own site I’ve put it back up.

I kept a hand written journal for many years. I used to love the whole act of writing; watching black ink roll onto stark white pages, and all those words and emotions held within a hard cover, as testimony to a world I inhabited. In rereading them I discovered a lot of pain, which often had the voice of lament, or you could also call it complaining. On the other hand, it was a way to work through what was there, and what is there is not always joyful or clear.

Recently I’ve been reflecting on and dialoguing with others on the subject of positive thinking; how one’s belief system becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Often thought forms lurking below the surface are unconscious, and have a way of taking over precisely because they are unconscious. Their hidden identity has a power like quicksand.

Over this month I have been tracking this process in myself. A tight spot can easily send me spinning into panic, but instead I have mostly been able to stay joyfully present and work with what is in front of me. However, when a friend called me this morning, the voice that tumbled out of me reflected the presence of this insidious cold winter, and was far from positive thinking.

This is an ongoing process.

Somatic information, of which thought processes are made up of, is carried from one generation to the next and because we are all pattern addicts we need to work with ourselves again and again. But for real change to occur more than mental activity is needed. The body must recognize and be integrated in this process. Perhaps, for positive thinking to really take hold one might have to act as if is, or if you merge your consciousness with what you want to learn then, before you know it you’ll have invited in a whole new set of characters into your domain; one’s that won’t sabotage your greater purpose. Again, this is an ongoing process.

Posted by Barbara at 05:13 PM | Comments (1)

January 11, 2004

Welcome Back

For those of you who wondered where my journal went, well it crashed. I seemed to have gone through one of those periods when everything breaks. On the down side it's a hassle, but on the other hand I always have the feeling some kind of purification is taking place, making room for new, perhaps brighter things to come in. One of those is that I changed webhosts because LazyLizard, my old host were lazy and not very hospitable in the first place and were the cause of the crash, because the 50 MB I was supposed to have was cut off at 25. Who knows why, and I didn't bother to find out because I'm now under the care of Lee & Stanley from Infopulse, who are wizards besides being kind people.

For those of you who don't see their links listed, please be patient, I'll put them back on soon.

I've been anxious to post a new poem that I wrote on the first day of the year. Since I only write when the spirit moves me, I am always grateful and excited when it does. So here it is.
love, and I do mean, LOVE,


From Under The Skin

Even before you had a name
your hands
appeared from under
the skin
as though they were born there

Each word both warm
wrapped in its furs of promise
through long white winter passage
and imploding with wild
entrapment and longing

And here again
the beginning of the year,
in the calendar’s cellular swollen belly
of memory
the water waves
as if from hands you
were still growing

Of the many faces
you try on
some are too tight
others you drown in
and the ones you choose to squeeze into
made of fear
you have embodied with hands

The ones you show
on the screen
are stretched out
like skin growing over a wound
to conceal what lies below

Above all
like particles of rising dust
shimmering in a sunlit room
when the voices go
your hands will remember
the fit of your own
face in your hands
and will turn back quietly
to become itself

We will recognize each other
like your hands know how
to stand before the emptiness
of space
and with
and love
give form to
what is

Posted by Barbara at 04:11 PM | Comments (1)